Blondecisions

A little birdie told me...and I went straight to the looney bin

A new daily addition to my life is beginning to drive me mad! We have a pair of Western Scrub Jays in the neighbor's trees behind our back yard and they're seriously decreasing my life span. I'm losing shelf life every morning.

They sit in the trees and on the fence shrieking loudly for hours at my cat or anything else that might be in their view. The only reprieve is when my cat is inside for the night (rarely). But often he's yowling so loudly to go out, we stumble to the door and curse him on his way through. Or he's already out for that night and this is when the real fun begins. Outside the bedroom window by 4am, the Scrub Jays start screaming. Over and over and over. Every 1-2 seconds a shriek, sometimes faster.

Scrub Jays are known as the "forest sentinel." Go figure. They like to hurt other birds and they eat eggs and baby birds when they feel like a new cuisine. They swoop at my cat's head and neither they nor the cat are backing down. A consumate hunter he's killed everything from moles to rabbits and a bird or twenty. He would drag home a deer if he could.

I keep devising plans for their downfall. The birds have got to go. I don't know if the neighbors know that it's my cat that's upsetting the pair so much, but since the cat has to stay (my hubby is rather fond of him) then the birds need to fly.

What's worse is my son's incessant need to discuss the birds. I like birds and I love my son, but this combination is driving me crazy.

Housewife's smack

I'm on housewife's crack. A legal stimulant, but just about as addictive and hard to kick as heroine I'm sure. Caffeine or sugar are the drugs of choice when feeling particularly sluggish, sore and unmotivated. Nothing cures the pain of fibromyalgia (or motherhood) like slamming one back in the morning.

I told my husband I am absolutely sure that sugar, while helping me become more unhealthy in the long-term, is a short term fix for anything that ails me. It's an analgesic for sure - a painkiller divine. I know caffeine helps kill headaches, but for all over pain it's sugar. Not even from chocoloate necessarily (we've all heard of the healing powers of chocolate, right?), but from the sugar or a mix of the two.

And what about when you mix sugar with caffeine? A mocha latte, a 20 ounce Mountain Dew or a caramel chocolate Freddo (iced coffee from Peet's, a local coffee shop). See? Chocolate, caffeine and sugar is a temporary cure-all.

You get a great buzz and super mom kicks in. I don't feel the pain. All I hear is a slight buzz and the beating of my tachycardic heart. I'm able to chop down unruly rose bushes, hang laundry, clean the bathroom, and float through the messy kitchen clean-up while singing and dancing to my favorite tunes in just over an hour.

But man when you come down, you come down hard. Hence the reason it's time to break for another infusion of housewife's crack.

What I won't do for my stinky pup

My dog STANK. He was so ranky again it was time for an emergency bath session. But the hubster and I both hate bathing him in our tub and I don't want the mess in the kitchen. I win because I'm the wife, so hubby wants to try a new angle to get out of scrubbing on his knees. Off we went to a new place in town that caters to pet owners where we were told they had coin operated washing areas.

When we were pointed to the clerk to buy a token, I think my eyes narrowed in expectation of the bad news. I wasn't all that pleased with the amused look by three clerks that we were bringing in a froo-froo dog to wash as it was. Women's intuition, shopper's experience or whatever it was activated my bullshit radar. We were rung up for a $12.00 self service wash. Not a wash by a professional, but a self service wash.

The horror hung on my husband's face as he scanned my mood and the register over and over. Horror, amusement and intermittent hope that I would be crazy enough to buy it and let him out of the tub washing hell; I flatly refused. $12 bucks is nearly half of a wash, cut, dry and nail trimming at the groomers. $12 to wash my own dog?!

I don't care what look I got from the guy. I was nice about it. I nearly don't care that they stood around talking about me for a while. I really don't give a hoot. I can get my car washed for half that price by four men. I sure as hell am not paying $12 to wash my own dog.