Blondecisions

Game: The ugliest shoe on Zappos.com

I do love Zappos.com with its allowance for big feet like mine, it's thousands-of-brand-name-shoes inventory, free shipping, free return shipping and returns up to 365 days. But there are some gnarly shoes!

My friend Mindy thought these were terrible:
http://www.zappos.com/n/p/dp/5124727/c/712.html but the reviewers think they're great!

So we played a little game to see who could find the ugliest shoes with another friend. Here are some of my choices (oh, and the green boots won!)

Check out these ugly sandals: http://www.zappos.com/n/p/dp/7995777/c/33657.html

But for real enjoyment I looked at the boots. I don’t much care for these:
http://www.zappos.com/n/p/dp/8157455/c/767.html
http://www.zappos.com/n/p/dp/8504719/c/1781.html

Nor a ton of other ugly ass boots! My apologies if you find these terrific. But to show my dedication to this game, I went thru 70 pages of sales boots to find you the ugliest in the wee hours of the morning the red, quilted, Spiderwoman-like boots: http://www.zappos.com/n/p/dp/8327797/c/1413.html
or their high top version:
http://www.zappos.com/n/p/dp/8700368/c/1413.html
Or maybe these?
http://www.zappos.com/n/p/dp/7930008/c/51689.html

That, my dears, is nothing but love for the game.

Search Hitsapalooza

Time for a check in on my stats for the past few hours and see what brings people here.

I kid you not - I got a search hit last night for 'where's peter hannafords cock?'. Well I dunno, but I haven't seen it and you cannot prove that I took it, (or that I play with it. Much.) so there!

In other news:
diaper freaks
Milkers r us
boobs and vaginas
housework funnies (yah, cause that's SO funny)
holy mama (thank you!)
website goodies
Angela Hilton (from a cute lil diddy I did over someone's name)
you told me I should get away, bury my head in the sand lyrics

The ones that keep coming and won't go away:
Colonoscopies humor cartoons
Obese woman stuck to couch
kissing cousins

In honor of moving to California...

I snagged this from Marcia who snagged it from Confused and Amused who got it from an e-mail that was written by... oh forget it.

You know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember .. is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

Dead Models and Casket Makeup

Marcia's blog mentioned this Sephora model was genuinely beautiful - and maybe it's the lips - but I thought she looked ... well yes, she's beautiful... but she looks dead. Like a photo you would see on Law & Order Special Victim's Unit. And furthermore having them all putting makeup on her makes it look like a bunch of people leaning over her casket.

Married Life is no laughing matter!

Even if you're not against your husband going to the bar, this is hilarious.

How to Make a Worm Poop

How sad has my life become? We have a pair of Oscars that are quite aggressive and carnivorous and we bow to their every whim. We feed them live crickets, worms and feeder fish now! I can't believe I've stooped so low.

Interesting factoid: to make a worm poop, stick them in a cup of hot water. Not scalding hot, just hot. If they're poop-ful, they'll instantly squish it out.

How sad is my life that I know this fact and encourage this practice in my home?

Sexy Wench - I am Jealous

I noticed this woman looks JUST like a friend I left behind a couple of years ago, so I started reading the blog. Then I realized she's 42! Must be the Alaska air, because this wench looks like the older sister to her teenagers. Lucky woman! I am 29 and look like road kill.

Make that bloated road kill. The kind that has been sitting in it's own gases under the sun for a few days.

Let's just hope no one squeezes me.

I gave Him a Headache!

I am listed as a blog that gives him a headache. Not sure why I am listed, though I can't resist sending a note to ask why. You've got to stop by.. his blog is hilarious.

He's a novelist, and so am I when I am not saving the world with my cape caught in the turbine. I'd love to use him as a character.

The whole girlfriend-needing-him-in-the-bathroom-while-she's-in-the-shower-because-of-a-past-trauma thing is just silly though. She threatened his balls if he becomes a metrosexual, yet he sits in the bathroom while she prattles on (as much as I do), calling him "Mister" and asking him to scrub her back. That's metrosexual, babe. Or because I grew up in neanderthal country another term pops to mind - "pussy whipped".

It's not that he's whipped or that she's scared that's the problem. It's that she isn't over it yet and forces him to be in there. What's she going to do when she has to be alone? What did she do pre Mister? What's she going to tell the kids someday when they have to sit on the toilet while she calls them Little Mister?

It's a funny thing about being grown up. It means you have to grow up. I've had trauma, and you can be sure I lock my doors and double check them again before bed. My first purchase after buying a house will be a security system. But I still have to move on with my day in grown-up land. It's not really about trauma - it's about using your goods to tame the boy and make him bend at your will. It's about feeling special enough that your man will take a few minutes to drop everything and sit with you. It's about wanting that captive audience while you're in the shower and your brain goes into overtime.

Then again, who am I to talk when I have 3 kids with a complete repertoire of potty humor they can evoke in seconds.

I STILL want to know what gave him a headache!

Potty Humor

My 3 year old is quite accomplished in the art of potty humor. Correction, he's now 3 and 3/4, but he's been performing exact potty humor for at least 3/4 of a year. He learned it from his father. Go figure.

The man's practically a genius. He's usually sensitive and wonderful. But he enjoys Sponge Bob waaaaaay too much and he's got all sorts of sordid potty humor tricks up his sleeve. Nothing too raunchy, but every thing's about poop.

The kids LURRRRVE it!!!!

I wouldn't even let my kids say "fart" 5 years ago and made them say, "Passed gas" instead. And somehow, over 5 years I've been unwittingly assimilated into the potty club. I've been taken over and brainwashed so much, we sing along with Jack (the 3 year old) when he belts out the latest rendition of a pop culture song turned potty humor at the dinner table.

"Ohhhh look what you've done
you've made a fart on every...wah..a..uhn..
Ohhhh look what you've done
you've ate the poops of everywuuhhhnnn."

Then there's the other day when I was in the bathroom doing my business (I was just pretending, since women don't ever actually DO that) when he came peeling in hollering about how he'd put on his new sandals all by himself.

"What a big boy!!" I said. Then I realized, "You're getting so old...it makes me sad you're not my little baby anymore."

To which he replied in a soft voice, "Awww, Mama, I'll always be your baby boy."

But when he leaned in for the hug he started sniffing like a dog, (remember, I was only pretending to smell, since women never really eliminate waste) and you know everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) the baby of the family does is just the cutest thing ever. So I cooed, "Are you smelling my poo?"

(Did I REALLY just admit that? I muh gaaa.)

He responded with a bawdy, "I'm not just SMELLING your poop, I'm EATING it! Yabble yabble yabble yabble!!! Num Num Num!! I'm putting  my head in the toilet and eating your poop!"

Yikes. Could I be any prouder of my child?

How did we go from no tolerance for potty remarks to open season?

Gallery of Unfortunate Christmas Cards

This is hilarious! Check out this 26 card Series of Unfortunate Christmas Cards.